Somehow I find myself on my parents’ porch, smelling the salty beach air, marveling at how I got here. It is still dark out, so I cannot see the water but I know that it is there – just a short walk from here. I can sense it, the vast ocean that just a few days ago I crossed with Tamar. I can somehow sense G-d’s presence as well.
Until now, the twists and turns that I have written about have been the difficult ones; when things don’t go as we would have liked or when terrible events happen, how do we cope?
But I cannot overlook the twists and turns that we must be thankful for.
I’m not sure why we have a tendency to do this, but we notice the negative events and complain about them much more than we notice the positive events and are thankful for them.
But this particular turn of events is hard to ignore. Just two weeks ago, I did not think it would be possible to travel to see my parents. There were too many obstacles in the way: I thought the airport would be closed; we had to have no contact with anyone who had corona OR who had to isolate within the last 14 days; we had to have no symptoms within the last 14 days; I had some very important needs to attend to at home; and we had to have a reasonable plan for protecting my parents in case we came into contact with people with corona during our travels.
One by one, each of those obstacles was cleared, and last Monday night, we suddenly found ourselves in an almost empty airport, waiting to board a flight to the US. Every once in a while Tamar turns to me and says, “Can you believe it? We’re in America!” Indeed, it is hard to believe.
I believe that Hashem knew, much more than I did, that this trip was important on so many different levels. Of course, the most critical part is that I am able to be here for parents. But there really is so much more. After our vast loss, and following the added difficulty of the corona era – which exacerbated our feelings of loss and which pulled the rug out from under some of the activities and interactions which had allowed us to cope until now – both Tamar and I really needed this trip. It is like a balm for our wounds. For Tamar, it is both an escape as well as an eye-opening experience to be in a different country. For me, it is a return to my childhood surroundings and to the comforts of my parents’ love. There are so many conflicting memories and emotions that are being stirred up. On the one hand, it seems as if nothing here has changed. On the other hand, I am a different person than I was when I lived here, and it is difficult to reconcile the sameness of the place with the changes that have occurred inside of me.
I also feel, more than ever, that I belong in Eretz Yisrael. As I sit facing the ocean, I cannot help but think about the land that is on the other side, the land that has my heart and that I now call home. There is a curious disconnect between Jewish life here and in Israel, and I feel that tension, even without interacting with people. Somehow, just seeing the kosher restaurants, shuls and schools, just seeing Jewish people walking down the streets, is jarring to me. There seems to be no awareness here of the beautiful, alive, vibrant, emotional, constantly changing, and Torah-rich world that is happening in parallel across the ocean, in our very own land. It is hard to imagine this world coming together with the world that I know in Eretz Yisrael – it seems almost impossible – but just as G-d is there for the unexpected twists and turns in my personal life, I know that even more so He is there for Am Yisrael. Surprising positive events can happen in an instant or over time.
And when they do, we have to remember to cry out what we said in Hallel for the last eight days:
הודו לה’ כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו
Thank You Hashem for He is good, and His kindness is forever.